A lesson in linguistics
by otahotian
Summary: You are a fighter, warrior, brawler, you are wild and untamed, you are cold and spontaneous. You lack the patience for relationships and you lack the intelligence for strategy. You are a Yato and you don't have a heart. You know that and you don't mind. And then there's him.
1. A kid

**A lesson in linguistics.**

 _And here's to my Shinsuke: I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I'll never, ever trust you again._

 **Aside of that, enjoy this attempt at somehow sensible angst.**

* * *

 _A kid._

The word was easy to say. A breath in, closing your throat around an exhale and then tapping the tip of your tongue against front gums.

It takes less than a second to say it, even though the voice forming words is a lazy drawl, but it holds a lot of meaning, doesn't it?

It means the same as a child. Kind. Leanbh. Dítě. Bebé. Bǎobèi.

It means you might be smart, but your opinions won't be taken into account.

It means you might be influential and successful, but you still don't understand anything, do you, not according to them, at least.

It means you might be an adult by age (just barely), but still people will hush their voices, even though you are educated where it matters.

It means you spend most of the time pissed off and that means people are in constant danger of loosing their limbs, or their lives.

It means you are wary of agreeing to your _adult guardian's_ \- or so they say - suggestion, even though, yes, staying with the Kiheitai will be a good way to strengthen their bond to your Harusame. It will also be a good learning experience - or so they say - for you.

In your mind the only pro is the number of new opponents and the possibility of encountering a worthy enemy. Kiheitai no Shinsuke has that admirable ability of making people try to kill him and you would offer half of your food if you could stay close and kill them all, tear their limbs, drink their blood.

The cons are many, but your uncle is cashing in a favour and you know you owe it for pushing Yoshiwara at him, even though you pretend he had no choice to refuse.

You also remember Shinsuke's slip when you were done fighting the last time and it makes you so eager to prove that you are a grown-up that you keep sulking the whole way there and over lunch, that is tasty by human standards, but is still an annoying play of 'too inexperienced to decide things for himself'.

You hate the self-assured smirk on Shinsuke's face and there is no fuck in hell you will ever agree to being an observer on his ship, you will earlier make him eat nails and punch a hole into the wooden construction that will be your home.

You know you might do that, anyway, when you get annoyed, or by accident, and you know they both know it, too.

It seems that the deal is one-sided at best, probably your presence is being compensated with a lot of money and supplies that you know your Harusame owns, but the Kiheitai lacks.

It doesn't raise your mood and you don't even steal Abuto's food like you normally would, but he doesn't press it, is probably happy to be rid of you.

* * *

 **Bwhe. Just trying something, don't mind me.**

 **Not even a story, just a way to calm my mind.**

 **Meh.**

 **Nevermind.**


	2. Behave

_And here's to you, my Shinsuke.. but you know, you know.._

 **Aside of that, enjoy the second chapter of my attempts.**

* * *

 _Now, 'behave', is a bit more complicated word._

You press your lips together and then spread them wide apart, almost like a smile, but smiling is less sour. Then you push the width of your tongue against the upper palate and end the exhale with a touch of your teeth against your lip.

It means almost the same thing as a 'kid' does, but it also carries the possibility of consequences, if you, by any chance, decide to wreck chaos.

It means that Abuto is, after all, glad to be rid of you for a short time, and gives Kiheitai no Shinsuke a reason to send a smug smirk your way.

You want to brush your knuckles against the smirk and crush skin against jaw, paint the world in red.

He knows, but still turns his back at you, isn't tense with the expectation of pain, like it doesn't matter that you are the strongest Yato, that you are the youngest Harusame admiral, like you're just a harmless kid and you don't matter.

You miss your Yato squad that can sense your worst moods and fall over each other like fools to get you to talk so you wouldn't scratch trough their chests and eat their hearts.

You can't sense Abuto close-by, either, and you hate that it does make you feel like a kid, after all.

Looking back, or hesitating at all would mean accepting defeat, though, so you keep walking the same pace Kiheitai no Shinsuke set and you even quicken it a bit to catch up.

You walk side-by-side with him, but it's still as if you were miles apart. That stark contrast against your last encounter leaves you confused and regretting your agreement. Back than, you had the same enemy and you had that saviour and savee bond going, but now he makes it clear you are just a guest, at best.

You keep your concentration on him and you miss the exact moment you arrive to the harbour and the moment you are no longer alone with him, not until;  
"Shinsuke-sama!"

The voice is too loud and too shrill for your sensitive hearing, but you remember having seen the woman fight, before.

She was a fire, harsh moves and bullets flying and you wonder if you would be able to dodge the missiles or would end up dripping your own blood by the point when you'd tear trough her skin.

It has been long since you were made to bleed and you miss the desperation that comes with your life pouring from your veins.

"I assume your meeting went well, Shinsuke-dono." your eyes move from one to the other and both men are tall, taller than Shinsuke, but it's the one with a shock of blue hair that catches your attention, partly because the other one is paying it to you quite a lot and you don't doubt he will seek you out soon enough.

You can taste the danger in the breath you take, you can smell steel and wood, scents that make your skin crawl and your fingers twitch. He would be unassuming enough, but you _know_ that he is hiding a blade and you would love to go and find out _where_.

You watch him and want to bare your teeth in a grin, want to scratch your hand and lick blood to wake the monster in that samurai, but you don't have the time, because-

"Who is this young man, Shinsuke-sama?" and hands that are blunt and heavy drop on your shoulders, breath of an excited exhale hits your face and _gross_ , really.

You smirk slowly and lay your hands on those large palms, his face twists with confusion and blood sticks in between you from where your nails penetrate the skin.

"Harusame no Kamui, Creeper-san~" you state as if you didn't want to puke from the way his eyes bore holes into you, as if you can't see him trying to squirm from your hold.

Shinsuke doesn't try to stop you, is watching you both with an amused twist of his lips and it's only when you hear the small bones crack that the other two appear by your side and try to loosen your grip.

You look sideways at the man on your left, his palm is sending warmth into your elbow, but you don't even pretend to be affected by their human strength.

They play pull and tug with you for a moment, the man under your hands is folding in on himself, the stink of his pain getting stronger, and you keep pushing and you keep smiling.

You let go when you feel your own shoulders with the tips of your fingers, even trough the mess of blood and bones.

He crumbles to your feet and you allow the two to secure your wrists.

"You do not like being touched, I dare say." the man with your left hand states evenly and you turn to give him a smile. You shake off the woman on your right but not him and you don't look away to see her go crouch by the fallen male. She doesn't offer to help him when he tries to bandage his palms with the cloth of his shirt and just watches, sneer on her face,

"Funny you didn't complain when he called you that, pervert." she muses out loud and Shinsuke sighs and makes a step towards his ship.

"Show'im around, Bansai." he utters, having lost interest, and walks on, the girl stands up and follows and you tug at the hand holding you and follow as well.

* * *

 **Nothing, nothing, nothing.**


	3. Calm down

_And here's to you.._

 _..do we even stand a chance?_

 **Aside of that.. I lack the words.**

* * *

 _'Calm down'_ , two words, without each other having completely different, un-insulting meaning. Two words, two syllables, but they leave a sour taste in your mouth, even though you are not the person saying them.

You did not mean to startle, or break anyone's bones, not this time. It is his own fault, really, for waking you up, but then Shinsuke is giving you a look that is far worse than those half resigned ones Abuto usually manages to send your way.

You think he is probably happy for the interruption anyway, he seems just as sleepy as the rest of them, that hypocrite.

"Someone take him to go see healer.." Shinsuke isn't looking at the bleeding man like some are, nor at the blood like you are, nor at you like the rest. He is back to watching the maps laid out in front of him, like all he says is read out of the lines there.

"The meeting is over for today." he waves his hand towards the doors and like a charm, everyone stands to follow the stumbling duo, leaving a trail of blood to mark the path.

"That was quite an exciting end to it, I daresay." a voice stops you from continuing out of the room and you look up, blue eyes watching your every move trough dark shaded glasses.

"Indeed." Shinsuke agrees and your eyes stray to him again. You hop up to sit on an edge of the table, and watch him, content to remain passive for the moment.

"In my defence, Shinsuke, I was peacefully sleeping before he started shaking me." you smile at him with your eyes closed and miss the surprised look 'Bansai' gives you, because next to Shinsuke? Almost everyone is boring.

Shinsuke snorts, doesn't give you an answer and you take offence, you reach forward and snatch the map from under his gaze. Instead, you spread it over your knees and pretend to understand what is written on it, because while you understand Japanese and you can speak it, you haven't learned to read it yet.

You do not flinch away from warmth of another person leaning close and you surrender part of your view to the man that seems to have been appointed your baby-sitter.

"Those are Harusame ships, Shinsuke." the man's voice is deep and close, you feel the vibrating air and yes, you should have noticed the familiarity of the pictured vessel, you shouldn't have been so distracted. Your eyes flick up and this time Shinsuke is looking at you, half-smirk over his lips and you fight the urge to crush it, to fight him, to feed the adrenaline that resonates trough you.

"They are." he says simply, doesn't explain further, but you think you understand; the Harusame - your Harusame - have given him a ticking bomb. He is being cautious. You are being the ticking bomb.

You would like to say your presence is not a sign of hostility, but then you would have to admit how many of your own men have fallen prey to your foul moods. Instead, you swing your legs like the kid everyone believes you to be, you smile with your eyes closed and you speak,

"If we were trying to attack, don't you think it's a bit too late for precaution, samurai-san..?" and your voice is sugary sweet, the air in between you two thick with electricity, like the tiniest move could start a fight, could have you at each other's throat.

Shinsuke must feel it too, he leans forward, closer to you, narrows his eye and smirks that smirk that sends warmth down your spine. "If you were to attack, don't you think it's a bit foolish to leave a key person in our grasp..?" he returns in the same tone, his voice deeper and darker than yours.

It is meant as an insult to your tactics, it is meant as an insult to your Harusame (and your Abuto's strategy skills), but all you register is the 'key-person' part and you smile, and you smile and mean it.

* * *

 **There. The pathos.**


	4. Have you slept well?

**A lesson in linguistics.**

 _And here's to you, Shinsuke, I hate you, I hate you I hate you, I love you. I hate the way you speak, I hate the things you wear, I hate the way you look at me, I hate the things that you write me, I hate it and I hate it and I hate that I love you, still._

 **Aside of that; enjoy the next chapter, some mess from my head.**

* * *

'Have you slept well?' is a sentence. It's a sentence and a sentence at the same time. Those are four words, short and sharp, but they bring peace when said genuinely. They do not necessarily need to be spoken loud, even if one of them is too silent to be heard, the meaning is not lost.

It means someone cares, and even if it is not the person you would like to hear from, the words carry acceptance and lure a smile from you.

It means that even though you are a guest, a ticking bomb, a hostage and a burden, you are still welcome.

It means that someone cares.

You smile at the tall man, notice the way his hair is an uncombed mess, different from the usual perfectly planned mess, notice the way his glasses barely hide dark circles and you think, hey, since when do I care?

"Better than you, samurai-san~" you offer cheerfully, flash your teeth in a smile at him and delight in the way his fingers twitch for a handle of a sword.

That doesn't necessarily mean 'well', Kamui-san." he answers, sets an easy pace of walk and you follow, trust him to know his way around the ship better than you.

You don't answer at first, startled by the suffix, as unused as you are to them. The last time you were called this, that was during negotiation with vice-captain of the Kaientai merchants. You had been a captain, back then, and so they sent you and it was a time lost arguing back and forth. You became fluent in Japanese, but that was the only good that came from that attempt.

"Yato don't really care for honorifics." you say, offering the information voluntarily.

"You use them often for someone not caring for them, I dare say." he returns and you crack another grin, delighted that he would oppose you and you know you could take that as an opening for a brawl, and you know it would be very much worth it, but you also know not to pick a fight if you can help it, because picking a fight would mean they were right.

'They' being your uncle and Shinsuke.

"Wouldn't it be insulting to call people by their names only?" you ask, turn your wide smile up at him and he offers an amused twitch of his lips back and suddenly you know you have earned a comrade.

You crave to crush his skull, to punch trough his chest, to break his bones and kick until a spray of blood waters your face.

You wonder if he knows and you wonder if he is afraid to die.

"You don't seem like someone caring for being polite."

But he is a samurai and aside of the smell of fire and steel and ash, they carry an aura of confidence, and you know that he would draw his sword with your first punch and by the time he would be dead, you would be bleeding.

You concede the point, knowing he is right, but..

"Kamui', is fine." you offer, don't reach your hand for a shake, because you remember they don't do this, that this planet is not one for much contact.

"Then I expect calling me 'Bansai' would be acceptable also." the man says with all of the finality of someone not asking for a favour, of someone used to having his wishes granted.

You nod your head, having no intention of ever calling him that.

* * *

 **All.**


	5. A lesson in silence

**A lesson in linguistics.**

 _Nope._

 **Moments of silence.**

* * *

You sometimes remember what Abuto had told you. His voice just pops up in your head and you wonder whether that's why you have let him alive, and not the Yoshiwara thing. Yoshiwara gets you money and power, but you didn't need that. Yoshiwara keeps the silver samurai save, but does he need protection? Probably not.

You remember him taking you for walks when mother was pregnant and father gone, you remember him teasing you for not being able to reach. You remember hanging from his forearm, legs in the air, trying to kick him but the hits were weak, childlike and meant in jest.

You remember 'you have the eyes of a fighter, but you've gotta grow up, first'. And you remember, 'Ya mother needs to sleep, see? She's tired, why don't we go and bring her flowers? With your pops out, you're the head of the family.'. But mostly, you remember his hand holding yours, warm like thousands of suns, his eyes kind and sad and the way part of the sadness was chased away when you hugged him, pulled his hair, babbled on and on about stupid stuff.

This time it's the breakfast in a small room on Shinsuke's flag ship that sends you down your memory line. There are pillows scattered on a thick carpet around low table and you suspect it's more because a sudden shift of the ship would necessarily mess with higher furniture, than thanks to any factual preference. Shinsuke is already there, together with the gun-girl and the large guy with bandaged hands and so you drop to sit next to 'Bansai' on the last remaining side of the table.

There is a lot of food and no one really seems to be eating; gun-girl is too busy ogling Shinsuke, who isn't paying attention, too used to her, probably, is just listing idly trough a book and smoking, because- isn't he always? You carefully avoid looking at pervert-san, so you don't know what's he doing, but he's not eating.

There is a lot of food, some of which you know is spread trough the whole galaxy, some you have had when talking to Kaientai, and some are new, even after Yoshiwara.

There is a lot of food and- 'You're gonna fight and eat your way trough the galaxy one day.'.

And- 'Fight and eat? I can't do both, can I?'

'Sure you can, kiddo. You're gonna fight and then you're gonna eat. You're gonna eat every single kind of food in the whole universe.'

And you laughed, back than, because you were small and universe was huge and he patted your head in the way he sometimes does, still, when he thinks you are being particularly dense or adorable, or both.

And you think he might have been right, when you are being pointed the food you haven't tried before.

You think about all of the planets you have fought on and you make a list of them based on the food.

Earth is pretty high, but not above Alwerin 7 or Tartar B. And definitely not above your planet, not above the food your mother made.

You will not return to either of them though, but you keep returning to Earth and the food's pretty tasteful and the fights are amazing.

"You really do eat a lot." you haven't noticed Shinsuke abandoning his book, not until he speaks up, and you almost drop the 'grape' you were studying.

Your vocabulary is widening, Abuto should be happy, you think.

"Ah? Don't you eat at all?" you retort, eyebrows raising when you realize he haven't eaten anything since you entered and you don't think he had before, either.

You watch him drop his eye to the table full of food and you think he looks like he only just realized it was there, at all. You wonder what has him so lost in thoughts, you wonder what fills his mind and you wonder whether it's you, at least from a part.

You don't remember ever being so possessive of anyone's thoughts. You wanted to monopolize mother's time, sure, and you obsessed over the silver samurai, but this is different.

This is falling asleep and thinking whether he is still awake. This is tripping pervert-san when he goes out of the room and wondering whether Shinsuke noticed, whether Shinsuke minds.

This is missing him and thinking, does he miss me too? Does he think of me at all?

This is pain and you don't understand, you don't even know him that well, but that doesn't mean your eyes don't stray and your thoughts don't wander.

"Humans aren't capable of eating their weight." he replies and you crack a grin, shove a plate of pita-bread towards him.

"Does this weight the same as you?" you ask and you wonder whether it's true, because sometimes Shinsuke looks like he must be lighter than a feather, like he is a butterfly swayed by the wind, but his sword falls down with the strength of a Yato and you wonder, and you wonder and you wonder.

He reaches forward and breaks a piece of the bread off, just a one bite's worth, but it's a win for you, so you're satisfied. "A Yato sharing food." he speaks up, brings the bread up for inspection, "I never thought that was possible."

You aren't bothered by that, don't mind being written off as just another Yato, not since it's Shinsuke. Besides; "You haven't met that many of us." you say and you know it's true, you know you and Abuto are the only two he has ever talked to.

He met your sister, you know, just in passing. And probably few of others during the Joi wars, even though Yato didn't know about that conflict soon enough to make a proper appearance. It probably didn't sound that interesting, either, not at first. You don't know, you were too little to care about much, haven't left your family, yet.

You sometimes wonder how different things would be if Yato had joined in that brawl, had known just how much of a challenge this unassuming planet would be. You wonder, but you never say that aloud.

He doesn't answer you this time, either, he picks at the bread and you think he might be right, Yato wouldn't really share food, but you know he is special. You wonder if he knows that and you think that perhaps he doesn't, not yet, but perhaps he will realize it soon.

You watch his eyes flick towards you, not lingering, but straying to your face again and once more, and you think it won't take that long. He isn't smirking in that way of his, so you think he might even accept that fact and not use it, you think so and you hope and you drop your eyes back to the food when 'Bansai' pushes another full plate in front of you.

You knew it, but again you freeze for a moment, shocked at how many of your thoughts he dominates.

* * *

 **Blah.**


	6. No

**A lesson in negative.**

 _And here's to you, my Shinsuke.. 'my' doesn't really explain anything._

 **Aside of that :) read.**

* * *

'No' is just one syllable. The word is dead and lost even before you have finished saying it, the inhale almost too big for such an anticlimactic sound.

It is short and shallow, but it has a deep meaning, doesn't it?

It is nothing by itself, is tangled into the previous question, doesn't make sense without it.

But in the end it doesn't matter if the question is a Can I go with you? or You want me to help? You want me to stay for a bit, so you're not alone? You want something to eat? or Wanna talk about war? It doesn't matter, because the answer is short and carries a deep meaning.

It means you have been moping for nothing, perhaps.

It means you have been wasting your time on pleasantries while you could have been scratching and biting.

It means you are an idiot after all and no matter how you try, you aren't good enough.

It means perhaps you misunderstood the way he looks at you, the way he smiles when you talk, the way he sometimes says things that could be meant as a teasing, but also as something more- 'you cannot kill him, Bansai.. that's my job', when you overstepped one another boundary.

So you allow yourself hope for something you have never wanted before and then there comes the 'no' and oh. And nothing.

"Then I daresay you should be the one spending time with him, Shinsuke." and for a moment you want to scowl and hiss, but then you look up and he smiles the tiniest smile and you remember he is kind of a nice person, that tall samurai.

He is kind of a nice person and for some reason rather fond of you and you remember how you looked up few days ago and thought- 'behold, he is a comrade'.

You are more transparent than you thought, then.

You don't react, though, and you don't even move from under the warm palm resting on top of your head, probably meant to hold you safely in place so you wouldn't have the freedom to cause any other injury to the man's shamisen.

Shinsuke is silent after that and then..

"No."

* * *

 **Logorhea.**


	7. Love

**A lesson in feelings.**

 _And here's to you.. or not, not today._

 **Aside of that- just read.**

* * *

'Love'.

The word makes you breathless, unable to speak it trough closed off throat, even though it should be simple enough./

Tongue tapping against upper teeth, opening mouth wide, teeth gently grazing bottom lip.

You have never said it and you don't think you ever will

Love. Ai. Láska. Liebe. Grádh.

A word, an emotion that Yato is not supposed to feel, probably, ever (but you think that's stupid, because your mother loved your old man and he loved her and your sister loves you all like it could save you).

You can translate the word into so many Earth and other languages, but you cannot explain it and you aren't sure you know how it feels, either.

You don't think you have heard that word recently and so you aren't even sure how it popped up in your head.

But it did and you are frozen on spot, sitting on the railing of the ship, legs hanging over the edge and you stare into the waves and you stare and you ponder the meaning of life.

"It would be too easy to push you off.." the voice doesn't startle you, you are more than used to the low rumble somewhere behind your back.

"Oh, but where would the fun be?" you ask and turn your head from the chaotic waves towards the chaotic person that is Shinsuke.

"Peace." he corrects, he blows a mouthful of smoke into your face and you cough, never used to the scent and feeling.

You wipe at your mouth when you can breath again and you hold his amused gaze, "You don't care for peace any more than I do." you blink your confusion at him and he looks away, just for a second and you take offence, you want to grab him and headbump him, you want to bite his skin until you taste blood, you want to bash his stupid, stupid expression right off. You think you love him, though, so you don't.

When he looks back at you, he is a poster-boy of poker-face and you do the same, search for a plastic smile to guard your feelings.

"You're not useful if you wreck chaos on my ships." he notes and moves, leans against the wooden railing right next to you, his elbow would bump against your thigh if you both weren't so tense.

You don't react at first, caught in the facts, because- why does he keep you around if you are a bother? He could have sent you to wreck chaos elsewhere, all the while keeping an eye on you. That way you wouldn't be a danger and he wouldn't break his agreement.

But he didn't.

Because he's here with you, even though he could be anywhere else.

"Than I'm lucky you don't like me for my usefulness." you risk and glance down at him, using the advantage of higher spot.

He doesn't look away and 'love' and yes, maybe it is the right word, after all.

* * *

 **Not really, no. And here's that question. Happy end, or not?**


	8. A lesson in insults

**Lesson in insults.**

 _And here's to you- I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I hate you, and you don't care._

 **Aside of that- read.**

* * *

You often wonder about the mystery of words.

How humanoids all across the galaxy discovered the possibility of forming basic sounds into syllables, into words, into sentences, into speeches.

How something so simple from the beginning evolved into thousands, milions of separate languages.

It's like a small stream growing and growing into a mighty river.

You think about that and sometimes forget to pay attention to the meaning in the words, but that doesn't really matter, unless it's Shinsuke.

Abuto will just bash your head if you don't pay attention, in which case you can kick him, bite him, scratch at his shoulder, and that will amuse you for few minutes, but you can't do the same with Shinsuke, because you can't hurt him.

Not yet.

You find speech fascinating and you find human voices beautiful, you listen to them speak and you watch them perk up when you speak up, you delight in the way few words can mean so much.

It's amazing that you can share knowledge and emotion and it's amazing that you can lie and that you can so easily taunt people into swinging a punch at your face.

You keep getting better at that, but it still doesn't work on Shinsuke.

You think it's because he spent most of his life with the silver samurai, but every time you try, the only answer you get is a look or a deadpan reply that has you confused or perplexed more often than not.

Until-

'Why do you always wear the same yukata, Shinsuke?'

and

'Isn't that a female wear?'

and you look at him, prepared to face his bored look or hear his reply that will leave him the winner and you the sore loser, but..

but he laughs.

He laughs and you have never heard nicer sound.

Later, you will find that you aren't the first person to try to miff him in this way and if it's a laughter that you get from his trip down the memory line, then you are happy.

You will find that later and you will think about it for minutes, but not now.

Now he is laughing and you watch him and then you close his eyes.

And you listen.

* * *

 **Laughing people 3**


	9. Watch

**A lesson in ends. Not happy. Not unhappy.**

 _And here's to you, my Shinsuke; because it's unfinished, life always is. But you could have said a word, so I knew.. so I knew not to care._

 **But- read.**

* * *

'Watch' is a one syllable word. You make a small circle of your lips and with an exhale you widen it and you finish it with a forced stop of the breath, the back of your teeth touching down against your tongue.

Watch is easy to speak, difficult to describe and even more difficult to explain, as it has several meanings.

From small wrist-device to show the time to standing guard.

Neither of those make sense when you two are the only ones on the front of the ship, so you think it's probably an order this time.

You do, you do look up from his hand and the sky is dark with no moon and no stars. There is nothing up there or around that would catch your attention, the night is as dark as it gets and you two can walk around only because of the small flashlight in Shinsuke's hand.

You open your mouth to ask him why but you don't, because there's that smirk of his that tells you he knows exactly what's going on in your head.

You roll your eyes at him, knowing that since most of the light is on you, he will see it.

And then he switches the flashlight off.

The darkness is immediate and ultimate.

Where just few seconds ago you saw the waves dance with the wind, now is nothing. You cannot see the sails above you, you can't see the wood under your feet - is it there? Are you standing on solid floor or are you floating in air?

You can't see Shinsuke, either, but his cold fingers stroke the back of your hand, gently, like a flute.

You didn't realize but now you remember, diving in for that bit of reassurance in first moments of the darkness.

Otherwise, there is nothing.

You can still hear the sound of water and the motors and the wooden planks of the ship moaning with it's movement, but even the noise is muffled so much you almost don't notice - because it's there every second of every day and you have gotten used to it.

What you do hear is the whisper of clothes and the pat of a step when Shinsuke moves to you and you close your mouth and move your eyes from the unending darkness to another part of it where you can almost see the shadow of a human being.

"Is this what you aspire for?" you ask when his arm is moved to a weigh at your shoulders and your back.

The question is vague, so you aren't surprised he doesn't answer, until you clarify.

"Darkness." you say. "Emptiness. Nothing. Nothing, and in the middle, you alone. Do you want to destroy all of the flashlights of the world? Crush all of the suns of the universe?"

Shinsuke thinks about it in the silence that follows, you know that, you feel his chin move to your shoulder and then he is a warmth against your side and you smile, because no matter the answer, you will be satisfied with it.

"Perhaps." he allows, his words disappearing into the nothing as soon as they leave his mouth. "But watch, Kamui. It's not me 'alone' who's in the middle."

No matter the answer, you would have been satisfied, but..

..but somehow you think this is the only answer you can ever accept.


	10. No 2

**A lesson in endings.**

 _And here's to you, my Shinsuke; we have some pretty wicked friends, don't we?_

 **Read.**

* * *

A 'no', again.

It is a proof of language variety that a word can not only have several meanings, but a meaning can mean several things as well.

This time the 'no' you receive is far worse than the last one, it is definite.

This time it's not just 'go amuse yourself, I am too tired to deal with your shit'. It's not even the 'don't touch that, you're gonna break it, oh-my-god-you're-so-stupid'.

This is a 'no'.

Like the last time, even now the meaning of the word is created solely by the question it answers. And it's not a question you would have asked, had you been in your right mind, no.

It didn't even come from your head, no; that's all on her, on the woman smelling of gunpowder and dirty underwear and her asking;

 _do you like Shinsuke-sama?  
_

and her asking;

 _are you and Shinsuke-sama friends, or more?  
_

and Bansai saying Shinsuke's different with you than with others.

You think it might make sense, though, the way you feel that constant need to be with him, to tell him everything, to the tiniest stupid idea that crosses your mind, the way you ignore anyone else who is with you two, the way you and him can gang up on anyone so, so easily.

The way he dislikes when you speak of other people. The way he says you are his; his to kill, his to annoy, his weapon, his killing-machine, his nightmare. The way he laughs and says 'you're an idiot' so fondly when you say something stupid enough to surprise him.

And so you gather your nerves and you ask and you offer and the first thing he says is _I donno_ and your world shatters.

You need few breaths from the air in between your knees where you have your face pressed to hide the complete lack of expression, you need those almost five minutes of silence to pull yourself back together.

Bansai is there with you, comes around for a moment and then Shinsuke sends him away and then he returns and then you send him away, but then he drags you with him for a moment and you finally find the tears you didn't have when you were wrestling a non- _I don't know_ answer from the Kiheitai leader.

You win a 'no' from him and are surprised, but then you aren't, then you are just sorry. You tell Shinsuke you are and he asks why, but you can't speak, you can't breath.

After that there is Bansai and he asks and you explain, and what he says is that he thought so, but he thought it was the other way around and you can't stop shaking and then you try to laugh at the irony, but it sounds horrible, so you stop.

But first, before all that, what he asks is _is Shinsuke hurting you?_ as if he would, ever, as if his any decision would make you hate him, as if he would go out of his way to cause you pain when you know he is fond of you, at least.

He asks whether you're okay, says it needs time and you know, you know, you _know_ that and you promise you'll be fine in three days, because you know your head and you can _make_ yourself okay.

He doesn't believe you.

You say the same to Shinsuke before you leave, that you'll be fine, that you'll seek him out in three days and you don't think he believes you, either. You leave them together and you hope they will be fine, that Shinsuke won't worry.

You go to your bed and you think it's gonna be fine, you'll cry yourself to sleep and you'll wash the emotions away with the tears and sleep and sleep and when you wake up, you'll be okay again.

The tears never come and you can't stop thinking and you can't stop tossing and turning and your mind keeps coming up with song lyrics and you repeat your words and Shinsuke's words over and over again.

 _You can disappear here without knowing it- you can disappear here, without believing it-  
_

And you think _no_ , you will keep walking and thinking and you will be.

Fine.


	11. Light

**Lesson in life.**

 _And here's to you, my friend; I found peace and I hope you did as well, or that you will. We made a large **line** behind that part of our lives and I think it's all well. I am here. You are you and I am here for you if you need anything. If you need to talk, I can listen, if you need to scream and punch, I can show you how, if you need to to dip into the insanity of **life** , I can take you with me, we can make a bonfire, we can dance in the rain, we can sing, we can bungee-jump or we can just go 'round and laugh at people. Heads up, girl. You're not alone.  
_

 **Aside of that; read :) I hope this thing made sense or was at least enjoyable, I hope it was readible even with the OOC'ness of the red-headed demon.**

* * *

You rise with the first sun feeling like you haven't slept at all the whole night. You are half-tempted to return to bed instead of putting your clothes on and going to meet up with a Yato representative to get yourself dutifully updated on the happenings.

You go, because you know Abuto would never let you live it down if you 'cut down' on your 'duties'.

You go and the guy is young and new and tries to talk to you, so you tell him not to and you apologise and you let him talk and even pay attention from time to time.

By the end of those four hours you spend off-ship you are smiling slightly and you joke back at the guy and then you look around and you are surprised you see colours.

Not in the way everyone does, not in the 'oh hey, the sky's blue' way, no. You look around and you smile at the world, because it's colourful, and you look for green on the grass and white on the sea, instead of the purple-black and white you were used to searching for.

You take a detour on your way back, just touring the small town whose only interesting thing is that it's got a space-harbour, aimless, thinking.

You think about  
'light'.

You say the word few times, it's short and the way it sounds makes no justice to it's meaning. It starts with a click of your tongue against the upper pallate, breath is pushed out of your throat in one burst and then you bite gently on the sides of your tongue and cut the air off in between tongue's tip and teeth.

It starts with an 'el', just like so many other words, but for some reason you connect it to love and yes, those words are funny.

You return and ask Bansai if you can visit him and you find some _light_ in the way he says _why'd you think you can't?_

He offers coffee and you agree, but since he doesn't have that and neither of you wants to go into the kitchen, you just sit down and you talk.

And you talk and you talk and when you leave, you keep thinking that perhaps that 'no' was the best ever gift Shinsuke could have given you, the freedom it offers filling you like new life.

You return to bed late and you smile and you fall asleep within a minute.

Such is the first day and perhaps you are just hyped up and you'll be back in the dark muds in the morning, but for this moment all you think about is that you haven't had a good fight in quite a while.

You wonder about love, again.

There is so many faces of affection, so many faces of _love_.. how are you sure you were right to name it? You think it won't be that difficult to return to simply loving to keep him company and respecting him as a rival, as a friend.

You wonder that maybe your own fall was upon your will, a sweet revenge of your mind for ever wondering what would it be like to _love_ him.

For wondering what even _is_ that human love.

You realize you haven't felt the desire to kick him in his face in a long time and you smirk at the ceiling and think.. that the first thing you will do tomorrow is going to be _that_.

The next week is a blur of fists, blades and blood. You earn a scar down your face that takes four days to fade, for how deep it is, he ends up with his knee bones shattered and collarbone broken. You know you should be sorry for injuring him, but it is damage easily mended what with modern medical equipment. You _are_ a bit sorry about his knee, but that will be repaired, too, in two or three weeks.

'Light'.

You start with a click of your tongue and the word would be so easily swayed into a different one; if you continued widening the [a] instead of clipping it, if you ended it with your teeth against your lips, instead of tongue tapping the teeth.

 _Light_ is easily changed into _love_ and for how much hate you have for sun, you find you cannot hate the light that comes from people. The energy, the _life_ in humans, when they talk, when they listen, when they _move_ \- you saw Shinsuke's lone eye catch light reflected from his blade, but even that sight is nothing against the light that can shine from inside of him, the delight in getting to move and to fight. You think you feel the same happiness when your body is given freedom to dance and you wonder if your eyes shine so much, too, but that's too cliche for you to ask, so you keep your mouth shut.

Your time with the Kiheitai comes to an end after that and you would have wondered why or you would have argued, but Abuto is pissed and you and Shinsuke have managed to sink three ships during those seven days.

It's all very recreational and you leave with a smile on your face and without a look back.

You wave above your head without looking whether he's watching.

The next time you meet, well.. friends are friends and love has so many faces, but he is your mortal enemy and that's a promise if you have ever been given one.

There will be bloodshed and maybe you two are different now, a bit awkward, a bit nervous, a bit apprehensive, but you think it's okay.

You are in love.

With life.


End file.
